We’re not saying you can’t  wear any of these items. But if you do, you’re going to die alone.

‘Dad’ jeans


A favourite of Jeremy Clarkson and (the late) Steve Jobs, these jeans are characterized by being light blue in colour, shapeless, and bootcut (meaning not tapered down your calves). Times have changed. Dark indigo is the future.

Trainers (outside of a sporting activity)

Muddy Sport shoes

Muddy Sport shoes

I’m not talking about a smart pair of Adidas Originals or Converse – I’m talking about that pair of Hi-Tec you’ve kept since your college days and wear because they’re ‘comfortable’. When you’re on your fourth pair of insoles and having to gaffer tape the holes in anticipation of wet weather, you know it’s time to burn them.

Scoop neck tees


“Even my mum calls me a twat behind my back.”

A couple of simple formulas for this one:

  1. Exposed cleavage on a woman = to be encouraged
  2. Exposed cleavage on a man = retch-inducing

Vests with the sides cut out


Are you trying to save money on fabric? Oh, no – you just think you’re ‘buff’. Reality check: YOU’RE NOT. And if you actually are, don’t shove it down our throats. Hugh Jackman has muscles. He also has class.  These two things can go hand in hand – if you let them.

Any clothing advertised on facebook


You know what adverts I’m talking about. They’re always 50% off (Remember: 50% off the price of a lump of shit still means you’re ultimately buying shit), and look like an Assassins Creed cosplay gone wrong. Apparently they also fit like a pig and fall apart within a week. Avoid at all cost.

Velcro shoes


Are you: A) 5 years old, B) ‘not all there’ C) institutionalised for your own safety? If you answered yes to any of those options, Velcro shoes are a viable option. If not, learn to tie a damn knot. You’re a grown ass man.

‘Comedy’ ties


No, not even at the office Christmas party. Never in the history of planet Earth has a woman looked at a tie and thought ‘Based purely on his tie, I find this man hilarious. I must bed him instantly.’ If in doubt, always go for a solid colour in an agreeable shade which complements the rest of your outfit.

Toe shoes


Shoes… With toes. Gross.

Relaxed fit’ clothing


He’s smiling… but inside he’s crying.

This mainly concerns jeans and formal shirts. Your days of extreme comfort are over my friend. Your aim is to create a fine silhouette, so get measured up properly for shirts and slim fitting jeans.

What have i missed?

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